I Want to Take a Job as a High School Wrestling Coach

[ILLINIWrestlingBlog]

This is not set in stone yet. It’s still kind of a vague ambition like being an astronaut. Hey, if an astronaut breaks an arm or something, I’m just saying that I could probably do it. Why not me? Anyway, if I took over a high school wrestling program these are the changes that I would institute:

 

Men’s and Women’s Wrestling. From the instant I was hired, all print, broadcast and social media would refer to the high school teams as Men’s or Women’s wrestling. I want my guys to know that I think more highly of them than anybody else does. When you walk into the wrestling room, you are no longer a boy or a girl, you are a man or a woman. Also, if they take a swing at me, they will be charged as an adult.

 

Beer. There’s way too little beer involved in high school wrestling. I say, if you win a match, you get a beer. If you win a tournament, you get a six-pack. Just don’t walk off the mat and say “Beer Me” out loud because the Principal is sitting right over there.

 

Detention. I would volunteer to be Detention Hall Monitor. New kid shows up, and I’m like, “So, you like to scrap.” Then, tell the tough guy or gal, “You know the saying, ‘Pick on somebody your own size’?, well, in wrestling, not only are they your own size, but they are your own weight down to the freaking ounce, so whaddaya say. Hmm. Hmm? Get your finger outta your nose.”

 

The Local Dairy Queen. I would stake these joints out to look for my 98-pounder adding weight to impress potential mates, or look for my next heavyweight, who can’t resist the smooth creamy deliciousness of a S’mores Blizzard treat.  

 

Pool Halls. The kids that hang out here are the ones I want. I would start picketing out front with a sign that read, “Pool is NOT a sport! It Is, at Best, a Pursuit or a Hobby.” I would underline and capitalize the word “not” for emphasis.

 

This is what I’ve come up with so far. What else can I do to get started off on the right foot?

 

 

[ionel]

58 minutes ago, ILLINIWrestlingBlog said:

This is not set in stone yet. It’s still kind of a vague ambition like being an astronaut. Hey, if an astronaut breaks an arm or something, I’m just saying that I could probably do it. Why not me? Anyway, if I took over a high school wrestling program these are the changes that I would institute:

 

Men’s and Women’s Wrestling. From the instant I was hired, all print, broadcast and social media would refer to the high school teams as Men’s or Women’s wrestling. I want my guys to know that I think more highly of them than anybody else does. When you walk into the wrestling room, you are no longer a boy or a girl, you are a man or a woman. Also, if they take a swing at me, they will be charged as an adult.

 

Beer. There’s way too little beer involved in high school wrestling. I say, if you win a match, you get a beer. If you win a tournament, you get a six-pack. Just don’t walk off the mat and say “Beer Me” out loud because the Principal is sitting right over there.

 

Detention. I would volunteer to be Detention Hall Monitor. New kid shows up, and I’m like, “So, you like to scrap.” Then, tell the tough guy or gal, “You know the saying, ‘Pick on somebody your own size’?, well, in wrestling, not only are they your own size, but they are your own weight down to the freaking ounce, so whaddaya say. Hmm. Hmm? Get your finger outta your nose.”

 

The Local Dairy Queen. I would stake these joints out to look for my 98-pounder adding weight to impress potential mates, or look for my next heavyweight, who can’t resist the smooth creamy deliciousness of a S’mores Blizzard treat.  

 

Pool Halls. The kids that hang out here are the ones I want. I would start picketing out front with a sign that read, “Pool is NOT a sport! It Is, at Best, a Pursuit or a Hobby.” I would underline and capitalize the word “not” for emphasis.

 

This is what I’ve come up with so far. What else can I do to get started off on the right foot?

 

 

You are on the right track, you could be a pinfall wizard coach, just ask Wkn.  

[ILLINIWrestlingBlog]

5 hours ago, ionel said:

You are on the right track, you could be a pinfall wizard coach, just ask Wkn.  

"Pinfall Wizard" is good, very good. Will the younglings understand the reference? 

[nhs67]

1 hour ago, ILLINIWrestlingBlog said:

"Pinfall Wizard" is good, very good. Will the younglings understand the reference? 

Yes.

[nhs67]

Sorry... misread that as Yeunglings...

Still yes, I just feel the need to clarify.

[Wrestleknownothing]

7 hours ago, ILLINIWrestlingBlog said:

This is not set in stone yet. It’s still kind of a vague ambition like being an astronaut. Hey, if an astronaut breaks an arm or something, I’m just saying that I could probably do it. Why not me? Anyway, if I took over a high school wrestling program these are the changes that I would institute:

 

Men’s and Women’s Wrestling. From the instant I was hired, all print, broadcast and social media would refer to the high school teams as Men’s or Women’s wrestling. I want my guys to know that I think more highly of them than anybody else does. When you walk into the wrestling room, you are no longer a boy or a girl, you are a man or a woman. Also, if they take a swing at me, they will be charged as an adult.

 

Beer. There’s way too little beer involved in high school wrestling. I say, if you win a match, you get a beer. If you win a tournament, you get a six-pack. Just don’t walk off the mat and say “Beer Me” out loud because the Principal is sitting right over there.

 

Detention. I would volunteer to be Detention Hall Monitor. New kid shows up, and I’m like, “So, you like to scrap.” Then, tell the tough guy or gal, “You know the saying, ‘Pick on somebody your own size’?, well, in wrestling, not only are they your own size, but they are your own weight down to the freaking ounce, so whaddaya say. Hmm. Hmm? Get your finger outta your nose.”

 

The Local Dairy Queen. I would stake these joints out to look for my 98-pounder adding weight to impress potential mates, or look for my next heavyweight, who can’t resist the smooth creamy deliciousness of a S’mores Blizzard treat.  

 

Pool Halls. The kids that hang out here are the ones I want. I would start picketing out front with a sign that read, “Pool is NOT a sport! It Is, at Best, a Pursuit or a Hobby.” I would underline and capitalize the word “not” for emphasis.

 

This is what I’ve come up with so far. What else can I do to get started off on the right foot?

 

 

Some of your best work. I absolutely love it.

As an aside, my favorite swim meet every year was the Dr. Pepper Invitational. Every heat winner would get a six pack. People would sandbag their entry times to get into slower heats. Switch it to beer? Amen.

[MPhillips]

13 minutes ago, Wrestleknownothing said:

Some of your best work. I absolutely love it.

You think this is fun, head on over to the Non Wrestling Topics forum. Those cats are a riot...

[ILLINIWrestlingBlog]

52 minutes ago, Wrestleknownothing said:

Some of your best work. I absolutely love it.

As an aside, my favorite swim meet every year was the Dr. Pepper Invitational. Every heat winner would get a six pack. People would sandbag their entry times to get into slower heats. Switch it to beer? Amen.

I was thinking you meant a six-pack of beer. Then I re-read and saw the "Dr. Pepper." Pretty smart marketing! 

[ionel]

3 hours ago, ILLINIWrestlingBlog said:

"Pinfall Wizard" is good, very good. Will the younglings understand the reference? 

Sadly I'm going with:  No

[MPhillips]

3 minutes ago, ionel said:

Sadly I'm going with:  No

Yuengling...

[ionel]

2 minutes ago, MPhillips said:

Yuengling...

I always say Yes to Yuengling.

[ionel]

2 hours ago, MPhillips said:

You think this is fun, head on over to the Non Wrestling Topics forum. Those cats are a riot...

Who knew, I thought everyone went to the Zoo for the summer, good tip.  

[ILLINIWrestlingBlog]

Celebrations. My general practice schedule would emphasize celebrations of course because you never see a loser celebrate. I would encourage pre-match and inter-match celebrations. If you've got enough energy for a back flip at the end of the match, you've got enough energy for one between the second and third periods.  

Drones. I'm not exactly sure how to fully incorporate drones into wrestling practice, but I will use them to terrorize the folks hiding in the back row at practice who are slacking on their pushups. 

 

[ionel]

2 hours ago, ILLINIWrestlingBlog said:

Celebrations. My general practice schedule would emphasize celebrations of course because you never see a loser celebrate. I would encourage pre-match and inter-match celebrations. If you've got enough energy for a back flip at the end of the match, you've got enough energy for one between the second and third periods.  

Coach Pinfall Wizard:  me thinks you could go further.  Why not encourage celebrating the little things.  Your kid is losing 12-0, given up 3:45 of riding time so far and get an escape, he/she should immediately transition into a backflip in celebration, the fans go wild.

 

2 hours ago, ILLINIWrestlingBlog said:

Drones. I'm not exactly sure how to fully incorporate drones into wrestling practice, but I will use them to terrorize the folks hiding in the back row at practice who are slacking on their pushups. 

Maybe attach a mild taser on the drone to encourage kids to climb the rope faster with also a mild shock any time the feet touch the rope.

[Idaho]

On 7/25/2023 at 3:44 AM, ILLINIWrestlingBlog said:

"Pinfall Wizard" is good, very good. Will the younglings understand the reference? 

As much as they understand “pool hall “

[Wrestleknownothing]

38 minutes ago, ionel said:

Coach Pinfall Wizard:  me thinks you could go further.  Why not encourage celebrating the little things.  Your kid is losing 12-0, given up 3:45 of riding time so far and get an escape, he/she should immediately transition into a backflip in celebration, the fans go wild.

I know this to be an excellent idea from personal experience.

For years I played racquetball against a D1 tennis player. He would destroy me, and quickly. His goal was to beat me 15-0. Once I scored a point he would lose interest in the game and I might score 5 or 7 more, but I only ever beat him twice.

After one particularly brutal stretch I score a point and he turns to me and says, "Do you realize I just scored 25 points in a row?" I responded, "what are you talking about? The streak is one in a row to me." He was so pissed, he went on tilt and that was one of the two games I ever won.

Celebrate early, celebrate often, you might not get a chance to celebrate at the end.

[AgaveMaria]

Isn't that guy by the pool table the child molester from California?

[ILLINIWrestlingBlog]

8 hours ago, Wrestleknownothing said:

I know this to be an excellent idea from personal experience.

For years I played racquetball against a D1 tennis player. He would destroy me, and quickly. His goal was to beat me 15-0. Once I scored a point he would lose interest in the game and I might score 5 or 7 more, but I only ever beat him twice.

After one particularly brutal stretch I score a point and he turns to me and says, "Do you realize I just scored 25 points in a row?" I responded, "what are you talking about? The streak is one in a row to me." He was so pissed, he went on tilt and that was one of the two games I ever won.

Celebrate early, celebrate often, you might not get a chance to celebrate at the end.

 

Great story, WKN! It reminds me of the greatest quote in human history.

By 1979, Jimmy Connors was a legend in human Tennis, having appeared in 11 Grand Slam finals. He won 5 of them. Connors was at the peak of his sport—ranked #1 for 5 years in a row—when he faced Vitas Gerulaitis in that year's Master's Cup. Connors had beaten Gerulaitis 16 times in a row, but on that day, that beautiful day, Gerulaitis won. 

At the press conference the garrulous Gerulaitis said, "And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row." 

 

 

[Lipdrag]

12 hours ago, ionel said:

Maybe attach a mild taser on the drone to encourage kids to climb the rope faster with also a mild shock any time the feet touch the rope.

I have actually thought about how useful shock collars would be in practice.  Not for when kids are dogging it but for those times that they are about to do something stupid in a drill or in a live go like reach back on bottom or droop an arm over a shoulder on top.  The upsides are tremendous - immediate feedback, no more stopping the wrestling to make a point, I can coach from across the room, we can even set the shock/sound low enough so that the kid is not embarrassed by others knowing he or she has just been coached - again.  If only we can get a human rights waiver and a "don't tell your mom" agreement signed I think it will work.

[GreatWhiteNorth]

9 hours ago, AgaveMaria said:

Isn't that guy by the pool table the child molester from California?

No - different pool - I believe the child molester you're thinking of was a swimmer.

You know how those "swimmers" are.

[ILLINIWrestlingBlog]

9 hours ago, Lipdrag said:

I have actually thought about how useful shock collars would be in practice.  Not for when kids are dogging it but for those times that they are about to do something stupid in a drill or in a live go like reach back on bottom or droop an arm over a shoulder on top.  The upsides are tremendous - immediate feedback, no more stopping the wrestling to make a point, I can coach from across the room, we can even set the shock/sound low enough so that the kid is not embarrassed by others knowing he or she has just been coached - again.  If only we can get a human rights waiver and a "don't tell your mom" agreement signed I think it will work.

This is a capital idea! If they're good enough for man's best friend.... Also, I can sneak it into the budget under "Wrestler Incentives."

Bribes/Blackmail. Refs can always use a little beer money, poor fellows, and really, I'm just being thoughtful, right? The ones we can't bribe, we blackmail. 

[ILLINIWrestlingBlog]

Cult of Personality. There can be no democracy in the room! It must be a totalitarian state. I want the younglings to say after strenuous exercise, “Thank you for this bounty of push-ups, Leader, may we now have the gift of burpees?” I will give speeches before and after practice, like Mussolini, my head tilted up and my jaw jutting out.

 

Sometimes I will pause a minute or two or even three to let my shouting and arm-waving sink in.

[ionel]

Mussollinni

[AgaveMaria]

You think Wrestling is tough?

I had 54 wives. (& only 5 divorces)

[ILLINIWrestlingBlog]

I'm totally kidding about all of this except that I would think about coaching a high school team. That's because I had a great high school wrestling coach. One of the best humans I've ever met. As a junior, when I was thinking that I'd graduate and get a job in a factory, he loaded me up in his car and took me to meet college coaches after the season had ended. He told me to take the ACT. He made me run in the snow. Good man.