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High School Wrestler Melvin Miller Commits to Wrestle for Either The Melvins or Steve Miller Band
Johnstown, PA — After weeks of speculation and mounting pressure from the classic rock and sludge metal communities, two-time state qualifier and high school wrestling phenom Melvin Miller shocked fans Tuesday morning by announcing he will be committing to wrestle for either the Steve Miller Band or The Melvins.
“I’ve narrowed it down to the two musical groups that best align with my wrestling philosophy: chaos and cosmic flight,” said Miller, wearing a dual-logo hoodie featuring both a psychedelic horse and a screaming sludge goblin. “The Steve Miller Band has the air of a ‘space cowboy’ I vibe with. But The Melvins bring that raw, unshowered mat energy. I’m torn.”
Sources say both bands have offered Miller full ride backstage passes and exclusive rights to body slam roadies during sound checks. “We think Melvin could bring a new layer of theatricality to our shows,” said Buzz Osborne of The Melvins, mid-way through deadlifting an amplifier. “We’ve been looking for a wrestler who screams Midwestern menace.”
Meanwhile, Steve Miller himself expressed cautious optimism. “We’re more of a mellow groove, but if Melvin can souffle someone into the fifth dimension during ‘Fly Like an Eagle,’ I say let the kid cook.”
Miller’s coach, Bill "Biceps" Bassett, said the decision was ultimately about style. “Melvin doesn’t just pin opponents—he performs. One time he hit a guy with a flying squirrel and shouted ‘Abracadabra’ mid-air. That’s not normal. That’s showmanship.”
While the final decision is expected at a press conference scheduled next school year, industry insiders say Miller is also weighing a surprise third offer from the WWF-era Macho Man tribute band Ooh Yeah!
At press time, Miller was seen bench-pressing a fog machine while muttering lyrics from both “Stoner Witch” and “Jungle Love” in what analysts are calling a “deeply conflicted groove state.”