The Devil's Dictionary

[StillUndefeated]

Yeah, ABSENTEEs are everywhere; apparently, they’ve always been around throughout history and always will be.

Take M. R. Khavari, the former CEO of Bank Melli Iran. Years ago, he embezzled about $2.6 billion and escaped (ABSCONDed) to Canada with his family.

Ironically, a few years later, Canada recognized his son as one of their 'top entrepreneurs'.

Edited February 20 by StillUndefeated

[StillUndefeated]

And then Canada takes a human rights stance, claiming they won’t have diplomatic ties with the regime. Come on! You don’t even need diplomatic ties with these scoundrels. Why bother, when their entire families and all that stolen money are already living comfortably in your country.

[StillUndefeated]

Pretty much all the families of these scoundrels are either in Canada, the U.S., or other countries that like to lecture about human rights and claim they won’t have diplomatic ties with the Islamic Republic.

[StillUndefeated]

ABSOLUTE, adj.

Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.

[StillUndefeated]

2 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

 and by republics, which are governed by chance.

Back in Bierce's day, the media wasn't nearly as powerful as it is today and didn't manipulate public opinion like this, otherwise, Bierce probably would have said 'the media' instead of 'chance.'

A few months ago, I brought this up here that the media herds you toward the ballot boxes, and everyone lost their minds.

[StillUndefeated]

ABSTAINER, n.

A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought
You a total abstainer, my son."
"So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught—
"But not, sir, a bigoted one."

G.J.

[StillUndefeated]

1 hour ago, StillUndefeated said:

ABSTAINER, n.

A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought
You a total abstainer, my son."
"So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught—
"But not, sir, a bigoted one."

G.J.

In Persian literature, especially in Hafez’s poetry, 'total abstainers' are called Zaheds.
I've shared some thoughts on Hafez earlier in this post if you want to check it out.

Here are a couple of lines from one of Hafez’s famous ghazals, translated by Clarke back in the 1800s.

The Zahed, outward‑worshipper! Of our state, knowledge is none;
In respect of us, whatever he saith, room for abhorrence is none.

To go to the Tavern‑door is the work of those of one colour:
For the Self‑sellers, path into the street of the Wine‑Sellers, is none.

 

[StillUndefeated]

22 hours ago, StillUndefeated said:

To go to the Tavern‑door is the work of those of one colour:
For the Self‑sellers, path into the street of the Wine‑Sellers, is none.

 

Clarke’s translation is pretty literal, so some terms can sound a bit obscure.
"one colour" (yek-rang) = sincere and genuine.
"self-seller" (khod-foroush) = sellout.

[StillUndefeated]

ABSURDITY, n.

A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

[StillUndefeated]

2 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

ABSURDITY, n.

A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

If the Church still ran the West, most modern science would be branded "absurd."

[StillUndefeated]

ACADEME, n.

An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

 

ACADEMY, n.

[from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.

[StillUndefeated]

ACCIDENT, n.

An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

[StillUndefeated]

16 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

ACCIDENT, n.

An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

So when my dad used to tell me I was just an "accident," he actually meant I was "an inevitable occurrence due to immutable natural laws"? Damn! I always thought he meant I was just born by chance. 

[StillUndefeated]

ACCOMPLICE, n.

One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

[StillUndefeated]

2 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

ACCOMPLICE, n.

One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

Never understood how an attorney can try to get a 'not guilty' verdict for a client, even when they know for a fact the person did it.

[StillUndefeated]

ACCORD, n.

Harmony.

 

ACCORDION, n.

An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

[StillUndefeated]

really?

[StillUndefeated]

ACCOUNTABILITY, n.

The mother of caution.

"My accountability, bear in mind,"
Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes,"
Said the Shah: "I do—'tis the only kind
Of ability you possess."

Joram Tate

[StillUndefeated]

ACCUSE, v.t.

To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

[StillUndefeated]

If I wrong someone but refuse to blame them to justify myself, what’s left? I mean, how am I supposed to cope with that weight or reconcile with what I've done?

It reminds me of an old Persian poem:

...If wine had not been provided for us, our grief would have surely strangled us.

In Persian:

Gar na mey bood faraham ma ra
Khafeh mikard yaghin gham ma ra
 

[StillUndefeated]

ACEPHALOUS, adj.

In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville. 

[StillUndefeated]

ACHIEVEMENT, n.

The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. 

[StillUndefeated]

Fortunately I've never achieved anything.

[StillUndefeated]

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t.

To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. 

[Gene Mills Fan]

I acknowledge you have the perpetuity of a Jehovah Witness.