The Devil's Dictionary

[StillUndefeated]

The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce

This book is in the public domain and freely available on Project Gutenberg. According to U.S. copyright law, it’s perfectly legal to share and read it.

Edited February 17 by StillUndefeated

[StillUndefeated]

ABASEMENT, n.

A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.

[StillUndefeated]

ABATIS, n.

Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

[StillUndefeated]

ABDICATION, n.

An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.

Poor Isabella's dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. To History she'll be no royal riddle-- Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

G.J.

[StillUndefeated]

ABDOMEN, n.

The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous.

[StillUndefeated]

ABILITY, n.

The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

[StillUndefeated]

13 hours ago, StillUndefeated said:

ABDOMEN, n.

The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous.

Here’s a question I’ve been wondering: Bierce frames gluttony as a religion and eating as a kind of ritual. But why doesn’t he depict women as true followers of this "stomach-worship"? I recall reading - perhaps in the Longman Cultural Dictionary or the Britannica - that back in the late 19th century, being thin wasn't fashionable or considered the ideal for women. In fact, being plump was often seen as a sign of wealth and health. Since The Devil’s Dictionary was written between 1881 and 1906, a "chubbier" wife could actually signal that her husband was a successful provider.

Bierce doesn't depict women as gluttons at all. He implies they lack the "true reverence" for food that men have. So, how do we reconcile their "plump" status with his claim that if women ran the world’s marketing, we’d all be graminivorous? Were they sneaking food in private to stay plump while pretending to “eat like a bird” in public?

[StillUndefeated]

ABNORMAL, adj.

Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

[StillUndefeated]

Just now, StillUndefeated said:

ABNORMAL, adj.

Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

This is a masterpiece.

Quote

the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.

True even when it comes to how we look. Surgeons often report that a large percentage of cosmetic nose surgeries are medically unnecessary. In Iran, so many unnecessary cosmetic surgeries are performed that everyone starts to look the same. The noses are identical. Nobody looks like themselves anymore.

[StillUndefeated]

Every single line is a masterpiece.

Quote

Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

People give up being themselves to avoid paying the price of being “abnormal” and fit in with the Average Man. On the outside, they have peace. On the inside… they’re living in Hell.

[StillUndefeated]

ABORIGINIES, n.

Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

[StillUndefeated]

4 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

ABORIGINIES, n.

Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

I shouldn’t even try to comment. He really deserves all the praise.

[StillUndefeated]

ABRACADABRA.

By Abracadabra we signify
An infinite number of things.
'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
And Whence? and Whither?—a word whereby
The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
Is open to all who grope in night,
Crying for Wisdom's holy light.

Whether the word is a verb or a noun
Is knowledge beyond my reach.
I only know that 'tis handed down.
From sage to sage,
From age to age—
An immortal part of speech!

Of an ancient man the tale is told
That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountain side.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white
And his eyes uncommonly bright.

Philosophers gathered from far and near
To sit at his feet and hear and hear,
Though he never was heard
To utter a word
But "Abracadabra, abracadab,
Abracada, abracad,
Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"
'Twas all he had,
'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
Which they published next—
A trickle of text
In a meadow of commentary.
Mighty big books were these,
In number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkable—very!

He's dead,
As I said,
And the books of the sages have perished,
But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,
Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
O, I love to hear
That word make clear
Humanity's General Sense of Things.

Jamrach Holobom

[StillUndefeated]

53 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

Of an ancient man the tale is told

What do you think he meant by "ancient man"?

Quote

The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white

Edited February 18 by StillUndefeated

[StillUndefeated]

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for
people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of
mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel
them to the separation.

Oliver Cromwell

[StillUndefeated]

16 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for
people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of
mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel
them to the separation.

Oliver Cromwell

Yeah, times like these often impel us to "abridge" our leaders and "separate" their hands from the nation’s money.

Undefeated

Edited February 19 by StillUndefeated

[StillUndefeated]

ABRUPT, adj.

Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

[StillUndefeated]

12 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

ABRUPT, adj.

Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

Is that second sentence doing the same thing Gogol does in Taras Bulba with the hero’s death? Just brushing past the whole thing in that cold, almost indifferent way?  Bierce is brutal. Absolutely brilliant.

[StillUndefeated]

Still, that second sentence has to be doing something on its own. If you know Dr. Johnson’s work, I’d love to hear. I don’t really know much about him.

[StillUndefeated]

ABSCOND, v.i.

To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;
The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

Phela Orm

[StillUndefeated]

5 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

Totally reminds me of how Qasem Soleimani used to move through the mountains of Syria and Lebanon, carrying the Iranian people’s money on his shoulders to hand it over to Sayed Hassan Nasrallah.
Luckily, they both got "abridged". And of course Soleimani probably didn’t carry all that cash himself . He’d put it on the soldiers' backs, all "concatenated without abruption".

[StillUndefeated]

24 minutes ago, StillUndefeated said:

The trees are leaving.

Yes, The trees are 'leaving' and blossoming as 'spring beckons'; but the ayatollahs will only blossom and never leave unless U.S. missiles do the beckoning.

[StillUndefeated]

ABSENT, adj.

Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?

But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,

But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.

 

Jogo Tyree

[StillUndefeated]

We have a proverb that comes from a poem by Jami, a 15th-century Persian poet and Sufi. It basically means: Gone from sight, gone from the heart.

[StillUndefeated]

ABSENTEE, n.

A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.